Vigilant

Let me tell you about the time I realized I was at the center of a vast evil conspiracy. It's not like I found out all at once. Really I used to be like most people ... blissfully ignorant ... sitting at home every night watching TV with my arm wrapped around my one true love. People think Grabbles are just another snack cake. But back then, I was convinced they were puffs of happiness wafting straight over from Heaven's kitchen. If anyone told me Grabbles were in fact the world's tastiest bear trap I would have said they were crazy; and nothing would ever convince me to stop. Stop! Look at that thing in your hand. Ask yourself, how long are you going to ignore the signs? No longer. You can't ignore what's right in front of your face. How far down are you willing to go to find out what's beneath the surface? What are you going to do to set things right? Come here, Kerplunk. Kerplunk Kitchen Cleaner Give those germs a dose of ultimate truth. Kerplunk! I know what you're thinking. They were snack cakes. What could possibly be more harmless? That's what I used to think. And I was so very, very blind. My name is Kevin, and this is my origin story. [Vigilant] Hey, Kevin. Hey, so look, check it out, it's so weird ... ... so someone threw away a whole Grabble in with the medical waste. Martin! Get your worthless carcass in here! See ya, Kev. Look at that thing in your hand. You put it down right now and ask yourself. How long are you going to ignore the signs? OK. I thought maybe I had a little problem that needed a fix. One thing I knew about myself, I was a fixer. They say knowing is half the battle, and I knew I had what it took to beat this thing. Really, this wasn't going to be much of a battle at all. And ... that lasted three days. [gourd] Grabble. Grabble. I know it sounds crazy, but after that ... Grabbles started showing up everywhere. [Monday] [Tuesday] So it ... was gonna be harder than I thought. [Wednesday] But I was still up for the challenge because I knew I was strong and I was going to take this thing head on. Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on ... Nope. Somehow, they kept showing up. Grabble. Grabble. I told myself it was just a matter of will and discipline. Knowing was half the battle, right? And I was a warrior, baby. I was Bruce Lee. I was that dude with the blue paint from that ... never mind ... I was Thor ... [Breaking the Habit] I'd conquer the Grabbles habit for days. Weeks even, but then they would find a way back in. Meanwhile, kicking the habit became this weird obsession It got to where it was impossible to think about anything else. BOO Grabble. Grabble. Happy Holidays. Grabble. Grabble. Enjoy your pot of gold. Grabble. Grabble. [Grabbles Survivors Support Group Tonight — 6:00pm] [offscreen] Everybody knows what this is ... exactly. It's the devil ... no more! No more! I didn't need anyone else. I just needed to gain some momentum. So, to sum up, all the obsessing about quitting, feeling guilty, about not quitting, reliving past events about not quitting, getting books and reminder apps, about quitting and still not quitting left me feeling a little off my game. [Breaking the Habit: Electro Shock] When you're hungry for a snack grab a snack that loves you back! Have a yummy, little tasty cake that's full of creamy goodness! Grab a Grabble! Grabble. Grabble. You know what it's like when something makes you miserable? And it's also what you turn to to stop feeling miserable and you realize not only how insane that is, but that you have in fact been doing it that way all your life. I know how crazy it sounds like trying to escape a nuclear bomb by climbing into an airless refrigerator. [phone] Hey, so, I can't make it. [phone] I've got ah... a physics test and like my iguana has surgery. KEVIN: But I did it anyway. [phone] Okay, bye. I realized I had been doing it ... over ... ... over ... ... and over ... knowing it had been that way for years didn't help much; I still felt it was up to me to fix this. Knowing is half the battle. In other words, I was fighting half the battle. No wonder I was losing. I told myself getting caught was a good thing. It was exactly what I needed to get scared straight... to fly right. That time it worked. For two months. Go away! Leave me alone ... No, no, no. KEVIN... Look what I have ... There we go ... When you're hungry for a snack grab a snack that loves you back! Have a yummy little tasty cake filled with creamy goodness. Grab a Grabble! Are you kidding me? Course not. You're one of our favorite customers. Second verse, Why would you run away when you know that you should stay? Grabbles loves you! Grabbles loves you! And there's nothing you can do, so grab a Grabble. And remember, if you ever feel like slacking off again, you can't stop the music. I'm gonna leave this for you right over here. Oh, I got this, don't even worry about it. Even in that moment, all I wanted was to feel better. It was a battle alright. I didn't know if I was just unlucky, or a loser. [offscreen] You're a loser. Look at the mess you've made. You thought you can do this with half measures and a positive attitude and look where it's got. Do you see now how the odds are stacked against you? It's time that you finally acknowledged what you really need. You need. A champion. [offscreen] Champion dual ply kitchen trash bags. This time we're taking out the trash, together. Wait a minute! Up til then, I thought the super villain in this story was some kind of scary mask-wearing evil version of myself. But in that moment, I knew it wasn't really true. And it wasn't just some force trying to keep me hooked on sweets, for its own mysterious ends like the Girl Scouts. It really was a conspiracy with its own agenda, its own goals, its own army, better planned than I was better equipped and more motivated. If I was going to survive, I would have to stop looking at this like it was some kind of endurance test and see it for what it was ... a war. And you can't win wars by yourself. [We survive together] Hey, glad you're here. My name's Jerry. Come on in. [Training] [Sabotage] You know what I'm saying? I even found one of my gloves. They're everywhere. It's time. Go, go; spread out. [Bait] We made a big investment in you, Kevin. You should feel honored by all this attention! [Kevin vs Big Guy] Kevin ... Now, I can punch you in the face all night ... or, we can go grab a Grabble. [phone] Just a friendly reminder, Jerry's coming over for Kung Fu Theatre right now. Get up. This cake boss isn't giving you any trouble, is he? And that's when my life began anew. I don't know, they were coming from all angles ... Jerry was there. Caught one guy with his hands, flipped him upside down; threw him on the table. It was amazing! Glass, blood, spit, brains everywhere. Probably not brains. Were there still going to be hard days? Of course. And I know now they'll never stop trying to convince me that I need the sponge cake to survive. But I've got something better now. I will stand against it. We will stand against it. We are fighting the whole battle this time. And if we stumble, we will pull each other up. So let them come. We will be waiting.